Comedian Bill Maher roasted potential replacements for Joe Biden, after urging Democrats to stop “f**king around” and replace the president.
As calls for Biden to drop out of the presidential race from Democrat lawmakers and celebrities reached a fever pitch this week, Maher called for the party to choose a new candidate because Biden “is not going to” end up running again.
“Stop f**king around! The issue with President Biden isn’t ‘if,’ it’s ‘who.’ Who will replace him? Because he is not going to be the Democrats’ candidate for president in 2024, with all due respect,” Maher remarked on the Friday night episode of HBO’s “Real Time.”
“Of any matters of politics or what’s right and wrong, the one thing I know for sure about America is this: it’s run by mean girls,” he explained.
“Mean girls in the press, and in politics and in life. And when they smell blood in the water, the lust to finish off a vulnerable person will never be denied.”
Maher said Biden is “toast” and predicted the Democratic president will “give it up” on Aug. 9, the 50th anniversary of when Richard Nixon became the first, and only, US President to resign from office.
Nixon stepped down in 1974 after his role in the Watergate scandal was discovered, and turned the presidency over to his then-Vice President Gerald Ford.
The problem is that it has to be Joe Biden’s choice to leave, which is kind of like letting a drunk decide if he’s okay to drive. pic.twitter.com/KNjiFSEcVq
— Bill Maher (@billmaher) July 13, 2024
“Yes, replacing a president as his party’s candidate will seem like a big deal. For about three days, and then we’ll be all over it,” Maher said about Biden resigning.
“It’ll be like when a co-worker gets her tits done. Yeah, at first, it’s, ‘Oh my God!’ Then a week later, they’re just her tits.”
“America is going to do this. We’re going to get new tits!” Maher joked before running down a list of Biden’s potential replacements and brutally roasting each one.
He pointed out that going with Vice President Kamala Harris means Democratic Party will be able to keep “all of Biden’s campaign money” in play.
“On the Democrats’ best issue, abortion, she’s a walking reminder to women that Republicans are coming for the abortion pill,” Maher teed up. “She won’t just protect Plan B. She is Plan B.”
“And, as a former prosecutor, Kamala was putting criminals in jail back before liberals decided that was a bad thing, and now that CVS is locking the shaving cream behind plexiglass, Democrats are coming around to her again,” he quipped.
While Harris would make history as the first woman to serve as president, Maher is unimpressed by that statistic.
“I don’t vote for who will be the first, I vote for who would win and for whatever reason, Harris has never been popular,” Maher remarked before making fun of her failed presidential bid four years ago.
“You can count the number of delegates she won in the 2020 primaries on one hand, as long as that hand has no fingers,” he jabbed.
“In three years as vice president she’s been quieter than an electric car,” Maher jested. “And like an electric car your MAGA uncle can’t explain why she fills him with homicidal rage.”
Maher went on to diss Harris for her role as the “border czar” when the US Borders are at their all-time weakest.
“[F]or whatever reason, Harris has never been popular,” he lamented. “It’s not fair that she’s not popular. She’s intelligent and accomplished, and, in fact, was put in charge of the border, and look at how — okay, bad example.”
Maher noted that Democratic Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer a “very attractive” choice.
“[She’s] a high-profile female governor who owns dogs but doesn’t shoot them,” he quipped in a jab at Republican South Dakota Kristi Noem, who effectively tanked her chance at becoming former President Trump’s VP choice when she boasted about shooting her puppy Cricket.
Maher said Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg could be an “impressive” selection.
“Now he’s the Secretary of Transportation, and he’s only 10 years old,” Maher joked. “And he’s perfect!”
“And he’s perfect for the moment because, as our Transportation Secretary, he has experience cleaning up train wrecks,” Maher said in reference to the chemical disaster in East Palestine, OH.
Maher turned his sights on Democratic California Gov. Gavin Newsom, wisecracking that he is “the only governor” who looks like “he could do porn.”
“The downside is that Governor of California is kind of like being conservator for Britney Spears,” he began.
“They’ll attack him on California’s homeless problem, but there’s a response to that: The homeless can live anywhere, but they choose California. Nine out of ten machete-wielding meth addicts say they wouldn’t be unhoused anywhere else.”
While Newsom has resolutely remained behind Biden, Maher suggested him as Biden replacement in an op-ed he wrote at the beginning of the month, where he urged the president to quit the race.
“I don’t want to say he really wants to be the guy who steps in if the current nominee goes down, but he gets an alert on his phone every time Biden forgets a word,” he cracked.